between the broken places

Your moods have been swinging back and forth, driving you (pardon the expression) crazy. You go to the doctor seeking answers. After lots of questions and possibly tests for other illnesses you are diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. While having a name for the way you’ve been feeling may be a bit of a relief, the reality of having a “mental illness” can be frightening.

So, take a deep breath and relax. Lots of us have BP Disorder, you are not alone. You will have questions and this should be one of the first – which BP Disorder do you have? There are several types of Bipolar Disorder which are characterized by the length, frequency and pattern of the manic and depressive episodes. Proper diagnosis is essential for effective treatment.

I have had the unique experience of originally being diagnosed as BP 2 and then upgraded to BP 1 ten years later.

Bipolar 1 Disorder

Those with BP 1 experience extreme manic episodes or mixed episodes (mania and depression occurring nearly every day for at least one week) and one or more major depressive episodes. BP 1 is the most severe form of the illness. Psychosis, paranoia and hospitalization are all associated with BP1. Episodic depression does not have to be experienced for a diagnosis of BP1 but it usually exists.

My own experience with BP1has included a trip to the psych ward, paranoia and the inability to work for months. Mixed episodes and suicidal thoughts were also present during my last relapse.

Bipolar 2 Disorder

Since depression is what normally sends us to the doctor, BP 2 is typically misdiagnosed as major depression. Basically, once the depression slips into hypomania, you feel so much better that it doesn’t occur to you to call the doctor or to stay on your meds. Frankly, you feel just fine – maybe even better than fine, that’s because the hypomania has taken over. The elevated moods associated with hypomania are welcomed warmly after a deep depression. Most of the time friends and family simply believe that the depression has lifted and you are back to being the life of the party. The problem is that “what goes up, must come down” and usually it’s not a level mood that shows up.

My diagnosis of BP2 came during a deep depression that followed a wild hypomanic summer which was kicked off by anti-depressants meant to help me quick smoking. That’s right, I was given an anti-depressant to help me quit smoking and to relieve the slight depression caused by frequent migraines. It took only a couple of months and I was swinging high on Hypomania Mountain. I was running on all cylinders at work, I opened my own home business, never slept and spent a lot of time drinking (a form of self-medication that the hospital will consider abuse).

Not Otherwise Specified (NOS)

Bipolar Disorder NOS, sometimes called “sub-threshold” Bipolar Disorder, is a “catch-all” diagnosis that is used to indicate bipolar illness that does not fit into any of the formal DSM-IV bipolar diagnostic categories (BP1, BP 2, or Cyclothymia-see below). If an individual seems to be suffering from some bipolar manic and depressive symptoms but does not meet the criteria for BP1, 2 or Cyclothymia a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder NOS (Not Otherwise Specified) is given.

Honestly, I think we’re all sort of BP NOS because I’ve never met two people with BP Disorder that have classically met all requirements of one or the other types. It seems to me that BP is really as unique as its owner. And by the way, you are the owner of the BP, it is not the owner of you.

Cyclothymia

Cyclothymia is a milder form of bipolar disorder characterized by several hypomanic episodes and less severe episodes of depression that alternate for at least two years. The severity of this illness may change over time.

Rapid Cycling

Bipolar disorder with rapid cycling is diagnosed when a person experiences four or more manic, hypomanic, or depressive episodes in any 12-month period. Rapid cycling can occur with any type of bipolar disorder, and may be a temporary condition for some people.

Confusing, isn’t it?

Be sure to discuss your diagnosis with your psychiatrist. Do your own research and write down any questions you may have and then ask them. Remember, YOU own BP and it is as unique as you are, therefore, you have to write your own owner’s manual because the best anyone else can do is give you the general information. You have the specifics and you must become self-aware to find them.

Just a note – The abbreviation for Bipolar Disorder is BP even though you might think it would be BD. BD is used for Borderline Personality Disorder. I don’t know why, just thought I’d let you know.

In Hope and Healing,
Bipolar Chick

I found silence today in the form of extra sleep.  I sleep a lot sometimes but this was a conscious response to my tired brain and weary body.  I said nothing to the family, unusual for me to not ask for this gift of time or bemoan it’s desperate need.  I simply took it.  I returned to my room and curled up under the covers and let my mind wander into oblivion.

Sleep didn’t come quickly but took a gradual stroll into a vivid dream state.  I heard my husband come into our room and ask if I was okay; I opened my eyes assuredly as I muttered a convincing “uh huh”.  I remained aware of the dogs running around chasing each other,  stopping only to alternately jump up on my side of the bed to nudge me to come and play.  I let them paw and push but did not move.  Eventually, they went to sleep on my bedroom floor and I drifted off.

My dreams were alive in technicolor brilliance as I found myself in a house filled with friends.  There was a secret basement made up of rooms for each of my family to revel in.  A computer lab and gaming room for Kate; a gathering place with a small bar, televisions turned to ESPN and couches for friends for Jackie.  There were toys and Christmas decorations strewn around the warehouse like room and a wonderful desk and writing materials most certainly meant for me.  A hidden passageway lead to a backyard designed for fantastic cookouts and gatherings especially for my husband, James.  Ahhh, a sweet dream it was. When I woke, I was relaxed and hungry and surrounded by my dogs – better than the groggy start to my earlier day.

I followed the sleep with a web seminar about a life coaching course I will begin on Monday.  When I finally went downstairs I was at peace just sitting quietly with my husband.  The television was on but no one was watching-background noise and nothing more.

The day has been filled with quiet time and that is indeed a wonderful gift.  I gave myself time to reflect on the past month and it’s chaos.  I also thought about setting goals for the months ahead – mere thoughts, no real decisions today.  In between the quiet moments I called my grandmother, mom and daughter to say I love you and Happy New Year. I just touched base no need for lengthy conversations.

No one seemed to mind my quiet, it was simply accepted and graciously so.  I called for dinner to be leftovers or something of one’s own choosing.  I did not declare that I would not be cooking as I didn’t wish to defend the decision.  I just did not offer the choice.  Everyone survived and I did not stress about their capacity to do so without me.

Lessons learned:

The world still revolves when I choose to stay still and it is okay.

Depression does not have to be cause or consequence of sleeping in or tuning out.

Time for myself is as necessary as it is a treat.

Questions to ponder:

Will I be able to do this again, even when everyone is home and thus aware of my withdrawal?

Will we all think it is a natural thing and not a “bipolar reaction” to some unnamed stress?

Are we capable of turning off the television even when it is just white noise?  Not sure about this one – there is a tv in almost every room of my house.  I do not lack external stimuli.

Actions to put into motion:

Turn off the television and find myself again and not just in a dream state, perhaps in a book or better yet in my writing.

In Peace and Quiet,

Bipolar Chick

Happy New Year!  May 2010 be even better than 2009.

I am once again stepping onto the path towards the last locked door.  I will travel through the maze of my mental illness, pushing beyond the boundaries of my bipolar disorder and defying the depths of my depression; you are welcome to accompany me if you wish (rafts and life preservers will be furnished upon request).  I had hoped to delve into this journey today, January 1, 2010 but I didn’t…or maybe I did and just didn’t realize it.  I want to share my experiences not just as a diary of daily doings but as a witness to the functioning and non-functioning parts of me with the hopes that some of my solutions for my own life will be of some service or bring some light into someone else’s life.  It’s later than I had hoped to start (10:32 pm – well into my medicated sleep pattern) but I didn’t want to miss starting on the first, so here I am.  As for my diary of daily doings…see below:

I spent the day with my husband and that was nice though by the end of the day he was not feeling well…should I take that personally???

I did not speak to anyone on the phone today, which I’m okay with.  I wished a few Happy New Year wishes to a few loved ones but otherwise didn’t go out of my way.  The way has been blocked since Christmas when a large gathering at my house was both enjoyed and endured until my very nerve endings pulsated in over stimulation.  I’ve needed sleep and silence but have not been afforded much of either.  No one’s fault except my own; I have not asked for the quiet that I long for, thus I have not received it.  Perhaps tomorrow.

This evenings promise to me:  To find purposeful silence tomorrow.

Lesson still needing to be learned and put into action:  Ask for what I want (so much harder than it seems).

Good Night for now.  More tomorrow.

Bipolar Chick