19th Century French Poet Charles Baudelaire once said,
“There are moments of existence when time and space are more profound, and the awareness of existence is immensely heightened.”
11 years ago, the universe and bipolar disorder converged in such a way that awareness of my illness was unavoidable. The rapid cycle of depression, mania and depression again took place very publicly at work. It’s hard to dismiss hiding under my desk and banging my head against the wall as just another typical bad day. I worked in the accounting department of a large company in Alexandria, Virginia. I managed the corporate credit cards of 4 offices – that’s a lot of people trusting me to pay their expense reports. Ultimately this meant that almost everyone witnessed my meltdown.
But here’s the thing – once I was diagnosed it never occurred to me to keep the information private. People asked and I answered, truthfully. It seems being surrounded by the creative energy of authors, artists and musicians was to my benefit – they simply saw bipolar disorder as par for the creative course. Where I had once been known at work as Research Girl, I was forever researching their purchases – I had become known affectionately as Bipolar Chick.
The awareness and acceptance of my friends and co-workers made my recovery an easier task because I didn’t go through it alone. I spoke openly and frequently about my illness – with anyone who would listen, especially my young daughters.
My family’s openness and many questions expanded not only their awareness of mental illness but also my own. I quickly became an expert in my triggers, my needs and my maintained recovery.
When my then 12 year-old daughter became depressed and began cutting after being treated for cancer, her knowledge of the hereditary nature of mental illness gave her the courage to ask for help. Managing my illness provided my husband and me the skills to assist her doctor’s in her recovery. It also equipped us with the awareness of when I needed to step away for self preservation.
There is no doubt that my mental illness affected our children.
In 2009 our middle daughter, Jackie, graduated with a bachelor’s in Psychology – apparently I had proven an interesting case study. Now 23 she volunteers with NAMI in her home state of NJ.
I’m proud to say that Kate, our brave cancer survivor is now 20 and healthy both physically and mentally. She’s a junior in college pursuing a degree in culinary arts. She specializes in baking and pastries.
Over the years I’ve helped many friends seek the mental health assistance that they needed, some were diagnosed with a mental illness – some had situational issues to manage but all were comfortable coming to me for my thoughts and information.
In 2009, I have left the corporate world of finance and became a certified life and wellness coach. I work with many people, some who suffer with mental illness some who do not. I share my experiences and the tools that I have learned in an effort to help them find their own path towards awareness and recovery.
Helen Keller once said, “Walking in the dark with a friend, is better than walking alone in the light.”
As for my nickname, Bipolar Chick has evolved into my way of owning my illness. It makes me feel strong and not a victim of heredity or circumstance. It has become no different than calling myself a red head or a writer or an advocate. I wear the name proudly.
In closing, I’d like to share a poem written by my daughter Kate when she was 13.
Dear Mom:
In all these short years I’ve lived – We’ve gone through many things
Things we many not speak of – Things we did enjoy
Days when we both thought we’d break – Bright memories that we share
All those time I cried – You were always there
No one can replace you – No one can come close
All the help you’ve given me – I treasure you the most.
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