Hello! Happy New Year and Happy February – how did it get to be February? Wasn’t it just Christmas or do I just think that because there are a couple of Santas still hanging around in my living room? Hmmmm, perhaps I should get them back up in the attic.
I’m sorry I’ve been away – some of you have written and checked up on me – thanks! I’m okay just a little all over the place at the moment.
I’m back in college, getting my degree in graphic design. I know, last time I was here I was a Life Coach – I still am, it’s just that I’ve gotten lots of requests for business cards, stationery and other design media from other Coaches so I sort of fell into the ink well and figured I should add on to my natural talents with the technical stuff. I like school – a lot!!! It gets me out of the house and I’m good at graphic design so that’s always a good ego booster.
I’m changing the Bipolar Chick website – it had started getting old and my first attempt at changing it was a little too “fluffy & sweet” all flowers and pinks and purples. I’m sweet and soft but I can also be strong, stubborn, single-minded and a little sour and I think the site should reflect that more.
So I’ve been wandering in the woods of “no motivation” but I can see the exit from here and I’m thankful that there is no snow out there – just a little rain.
I hope that my readers will return and that my new and hopefully improved musings, resources and information will bring a giggle, smile, heady conversation and strong debate.
There’s a lot going on in the states and a lot of it has been blamed on “crazy, mentally ill folks”, we need to talk about these things – we need to change these things.
I hope you’ll hang out and share your thoughts!
Peace and Power are ours for the taking – let’s grab some!
I have been coping with chronic pain for some time now and it has left me with a low level pervasive depression. I think I would rather have full blown depression – this nagging, lethargic feeling sucks! I saw my Psychiatrist a week and a half ago and we upped some of my meds, in hopes of lifting this wet, wool coat thrown over my head feeling. It may be starting to work but I can’t be sure yet. There are good signs – I did not take a nap on Saturday; I tried to take a nap on Sunday but didn’t fall asleep – so I got up and cleaned a little; I woke up this morning – courtesy of Finn (the Chow Chow) – at 3:45 and when I didn’t fall back to sleep I got up and cleaned some more – and I’m not tired. So maybe I’m starting to feel better.
Ooohhh…another sign – I’m writing this. Ever since I heard Jackie Chan tell Jaden Smith, “Your focus needs more focus” I’ve been itching to use the phrase – so here it is. And I’m not using it lightly – my focus does need more focus – so that’s what I’m doing (eyes closed) – focus, ommmmm (deep cleansing breath); more focus, ommmmmm (deep cleansing breath)…maybe Fox News shouldn’t be on in the background…focus, ommmmmm (deep cleansing breath).
So, in an effort to give my focus more focus I will (like Alice in Wonderland), ‘believe in six impossible things before breakfast.’
1. Brushing my teeth and showering before 8am
2. Decide what is for dinner for the next week and create grocery list
3. Will go to the grocery store
4. Lunch with a girlfriend
5. Gym – maybe, but definitely working out today
6. Write and write some more
I’m off to deal with #1. I hope that you have a wonderful day and that you too can believe in six impossible things before breakfast.
19th Century French Poet Charles Baudelaire once said,
“There are moments of existence when time and space are more profound, and the awareness of existence is immensely heightened.”
11 years ago, the universe and bipolar disorder converged in such a way that awareness of my illness was unavoidable. The rapid cycle of depression, mania and depression again took place very publicly at work. It’s hard to dismiss hiding under my desk and banging my head against the wall as just another typical bad day. I worked in the accounting department of a large company in Alexandria, Virginia. I managed the corporate credit cards of 4 offices – that’s a lot of people trusting me to pay their expense reports. Ultimately this meant that almost everyone witnessed my meltdown.
But here’s the thing – once I was diagnosed it never occurred to me to keep the information private. People asked and I answered, truthfully. It seems being surrounded by the creative energy of authors, artists and musicians was to my benefit – they simply saw bipolar disorder as par for the creative course. Where I had once been known at work as Research Girl, I was forever researching their purchases – I had become known affectionately as Bipolar Chick.
The awareness and acceptance of my friends and co-workers made my recovery an easier task because I didn’t go through it alone. I spoke openly and frequently about my illness – with anyone who would listen, especially my young daughters.
My family’s openness and many questions expanded not only their awareness of mental illness but also my own. I quickly became an expert in my triggers, my needs and my maintained recovery.
When my then 12 year-old daughter became depressed and began cutting after being treated for cancer, her knowledge of the hereditary nature of mental illness gave her the courage to ask for help. Managing my illness provided my husband and me the skills to assist her doctor’s in her recovery. It also equipped us with the awareness of when I needed to step away for self preservation.
There is no doubt that my mental illness affected our children.
In 2009 our middle daughter, Jackie, graduated with a bachelor’s in Psychology – apparently I had proven an interesting case study. Now 23 she volunteers with NAMI in her home state of NJ.
I’m proud to say that Kate, our brave cancer survivor is now 20 and healthy both physically and mentally. She’s a junior in college pursuing a degree in culinary arts. She specializes in baking and pastries.
Over the years I’ve helped many friends seek the mental health assistance that they needed, some were diagnosed with a mental illness – some had situational issues to manage but all were comfortable coming to me for my thoughts and information.
In 2009, I have left the corporate world of finance and became a certified life and wellness coach. I work with many people, some who suffer with mental illness some who do not. I share my experiences and the tools that I have learned in an effort to help them find their own path towards awareness and recovery.
Helen Keller once said, “Walking in the dark with a friend, is better than walking alone in the light.”
As for my nickname, Bipolar Chick has evolved into my way of owning my illness. It makes me feel strong and not a victim of heredity or circumstance. It has become no different than calling myself a red head or a writer or an advocate. I wear the name proudly.
In closing, I’d like to share a poem written by my daughter Kate when she was 13.
Dear Mom:
In all these short years I’ve lived – We’ve gone through many things
Things we many not speak of – Things we did enjoy
Days when we both thought we’d break – Bright memories that we share
All those time I cried – You were always there
No one can replace you – No one can come close
All the help you’ve given me – I treasure you the most.
What’s not to like about me? Seriously! I’m nice and caring. I enjoy helping people. I love animals – how can there be something bad about a dog lover? I’m at a loss and my hair is on fire over it. Over what you ask? A person in a group I belong to does not like me.
This person is a pretty big and important (must remember to genuflect when I see ‘em – hmph) part of the group. We’ve only met once. Yet, they have put out the word that I do not “present” myself well. Really? That’s some impression I managed to make by saying hello, stating my name and answering one question. After that question I was never called on again for input. We spoke briefly either at lunch or at the end – I don’t really remember – and I don’t remember much of anything being spoken about.
I do wonder if my alter ego of Bipolar Chick got under this person’s skin – they are a very “Person First language only” kind of person. Honestly, I don’t have any issue with the whole “person first” idea – If you don’t know what that means, it is a consumer saying “I have bipolar disorder” – basically, I’m a person not my illness - Okay, that works for some and my way works for others, I actually use both – am I being too sensitive? I know everyone doesn’t have to like everyone else but this person is rude and dismissive towards me and I don’t like it.
I do have to say that I thought the meeting where we met was useless – a bunch of people complaining and stating what they would like changed with virtually no idea or plan on how to change anything. Everyone spoke over each other and since it was my first – and last – meeting I had no idea what was going on so I listened and attempted to decipher. They discussed a lot of issues that I have not ever had to deal with – extended hospitalization – I’ve only been to a psych hospital once and refused to let them keep me; insurance issues – I’ve got military insurance thanks to my husband and I’ve never had a problem with it regarding my mental health; I’ve never been arrested, never beaten anyone up or brandished a weapon – something many have done. Maybe I’m not mentally ill enough.
Groups like this talk about being inclusive and welcoming – as long as you fit into their mold, – you know the whole “misery loves company” crap.
Well, I spend enough time with myself feeling miserable – why the hell would I want to hang out with a group that simply perpetuates the feeling? Why is it some groups feel the need to only piss and moan? Frequently, I find that these groups meet in hiding and only show their support when they are with others just like them. I do understand that not everyone can be as free wheeling with their issues as I choose to be. And maybe this s group just isn’t for me. I know not everyone wants to be open about their illness but I do think that those of us who have accepted it and don’t really have a chip on their shoulder should get out there and reach out to those who don’t have an understanding of mental illness. I don’t carry stigma about my mental illness – that’s right – I’VE GOT A MENTAL ILLNESS! <sorry, that was me being a bit loud>
Ugh! I hate feeling this way – I feel judged and I’m offended, I feel the need to justify my position and I shouldn’t have to do that. On the other hand, why do I care? I don’t have to see this person and frankly, I thought they carried a rather large chip on their shoulders and I didn’t think they were very nice, inclusive or welcoming.
Hey, I don’t like them either!
So I say, there is plenty of room in the world for the “person first” people and the Bipolar Chicks of the universe – there are more of us then previously suspected.
In response to a recent Healthy Place newsletter story titled, “Are you your psychological disorder”, I say YES – I am.
I am Bipolar, just as I am a redhead, I am Irish and Native American, I am diabetic. None of these descriptive phrases cause me shame or bring stigma into my life. I recognize that this in not true for everyone and I do agree that people don’t refer to themselves as, “cancer” or “heart disease”. However, many do state that they are, “diabetic, lactose intolerant, overweight”. Stating that, “I am bipolar” is empowering to me. The phrase gives me ownership of a chronic condition (unlike my red hair which is showing way too much gray!). For me it shows that I have accepted my illness, which allows me to control it better. Saying, “I have bipolar disorder” has a victim mentality to me and I am no victim. I speak freely and honestly about my disorder and saying, “I’m bipolar” -which I say with pride- works for me.
This is not a condemnation on those who state, “I have bipolar disorder”. This is a very personal statement that some people can’t say at all. The phrase is a matter of individual preference and however you choose to state your relationship to your disorder is your choice.
Happy New Year! May 2010 be even better than 2009.
I am once again stepping onto the path towards the last locked door. I will travel through the maze of my mental illness, pushing beyond the boundaries of my bipolar disorder and defying the depths of my depression; you are welcome to accompany me if you wish (rafts and life preservers will be furnished upon request). I had hoped to delve into this journey today, January 1, 2010 but I didn’t…or maybe I did and just didn’t realize it. I want to share my experiences not just as a diary of daily doings but as a witness to the functioning and non-functioning parts of me with the hopes that some of my solutions for my own life will be of some service or bring some light into someone else’s life. It’s later than I had hoped to start (10:32 pm – well into my medicated sleep pattern) but I didn’t want to miss starting on the first, so here I am. As for my diary of daily doings…see below:
I spent the day with my husband and that was nice though by the end of the day he was not feeling well…should I take that personally???
I did not speak to anyone on the phone today, which I’m okay with. I wished a few Happy New Year wishes to a few loved ones but otherwise didn’t go out of my way. The way has been blocked since Christmas when a large gathering at my house was both enjoyed and endured until my very nerve endings pulsated in over stimulation. I’ve needed sleep and silence but have not been afforded much of either. No one’s fault except my own; I have not asked for the quiet that I long for, thus I have not received it. Perhaps tomorrow.
This evenings promise to me: To find purposeful silence tomorrow.
Lesson still needing to be learned and put into action: Ask for what I want (so much harder than it seems).
Eradicating Shame, Blame and Toxic Niceness: What am I talking about?
Shame is what we feel when we think something inside of us is inherently wrong.
Eradicating Shame is done by learning that it’s OK to be who we are…illness and all.
Blame is finding fault with…ourselves, our parents, our illness, heck everything and everyone.
Eradicating Blame is done by taking responsibility for our lives through knowledge and understanding of ourselves and our illness. It’s also about forgiving.
Toxic Niceness is the chronic urge to please or placate others avoiding conflict at all costs.
Eradicating the Toxic Niceness of our Bipolar selves requires learning how to say no, asking for help when it’s needed and taking care of ourselves and our illness.
Eradicating the Toxic Niceness of those who do not have Bipolar Disorder is done through talking about our illness thus educating the public at large and helping to destroy the stigma attached to all mental illness.
My version of “Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus”
I was awake, what else was I going to do? Enjoy…
DEAR DOCTOR: I am 44 years old.
“Some of my ‘normal’ friends say there is no Bipolar Disorder.
“Mom says, ‘If you have a 296-DSM code it must be so.’
“Please tell me the truth; does Bipolar Disorder exist?
Bipolar Chick – Eradicating Shame, Blame and Toxic Niceness
North Carolina
Dear Bipolar Chick, your friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age or struck blind by the stigma surrounding mental illness. They do not believe except [what] they see or feel. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, BC (May I call you BC?), whether an adult’s or child’s, are little. In this great universe of ours we are a mere speck as compared with the boundless world about us, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.
Yes, BC, Bipolar Disorder does exist. It exists as certainly as the wild spending of ever-increasing credit card debt and thoughts of grandiosity and sleepless nights exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest of highs and lowest of lows. Alas! How dreary would be the world if there were no Bipolar Disorder. It would be as dreary as if there were no Bipolar Chicks. There would be no need for the 296 DSM codes, no poetry of depression, no romantic manic memories to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The eternal light and darkness with which Bipolar Disorder fills the world would be extinguished.
Not believe in Bipolar Disorder! You might as well not believe in cigarette addiction! You might get your friends to watch you everyday waiting for a mood swing, but even if they did not witness a mood swing, what would that prove? Not everyone would recognize a mood swing, but that is no sign that there is no Bipolar Disorder. The most real things in the world are those that people can not see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn (not during an manic episode)? Of course not, but that’s no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders that are unseen and unseeable in the world.
No Bipolar Disorder! Thank the Gods! It exists (it explains so many things), and so does treatment. In the not too distant future, Bipolar Chick, you and others like you will come together to fight this good fight. You will rally the troops, march on Capital Hill and demand the world take notice and you will be triumphant.
The world will begin to understand, to sympathize (in a non-condescending, toxic niceness manner) and they will see that Bipolar Disorder is no stranger than Diabetes or Cancer and they will forget their fear and fight for more research and medical intervention.
And someday, Bipolar Chick, you may no longer have to fight to eradicate shame, blame and toxic niceness…someday, we (working together) may eradicate the stigma of mental illness all together.
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